Dealing with Loneliness
80
Loneliness
Loneliness can be a really painful experience. Many suffer through lonely feelings on a daily basis. This can seem to be an experience that is never ending.
Sufferers of loneliness often wonder how is it that they are feeling so down and dejected when there are so many others out there in the world who are alone, but do not seem to be so lonely. They may wonder how anyone survives through the horrid feelings of loneliness.
Some people experience terrible loneliness even though they are not even alone. What could possibly be the root cause of this?
There are many theories on this subject and many people suffer differently and for different reasons.
For some, loneliness only comes when they have something or someone in particular that they are missing. For others, loneliness comes whenever they are alone at all.
Loneliness can be a lack of just being comfortable in one's own skin.
Loneliness can also be a feeling of having something or someone snatched away for whatever reason. The huge change of having someone with you every day to having no one there can be dramatic.
For some, they do not mind at all when they are suddenly without a partner. Others handle this matter much differently. Typically any who are experiencing extreme loneliness are certain that no one else knows exactly what they are going through. Not necessarily that no one else has experienced it. However, whether anyone understands specifically what they themselves are experiencing is a different matter.
When you have spent time with someone who has brightened your world and seemed to make it a different place, it can make the space within which they are absent, seem very bleak.
Some have the ability to visualize and hold that one person's memory in their mind so intensely, that they almost feel as if that person were still right there beside them. This can decrease the sense of loss. For others, they must remind themselves to do this in order to feel some ethereal relief from their pain. Photographs may help with this.
Photographs may also be a trigger to stay in a depression. Generally speaking, the only way to get past loneliness is to begin making new memories that start to cloud out the old ones. To have daily activities that consume the mind is also another effective way to help with loneliness.
If loneliness is too intense or too long-lasting, an individual may need to seek the help of a therapist who can assist them with working through whatever is in their minds that is making them so uncomfortable with the alone time that they have.
Why would someone feel completely alone within a crowded room? Being around other people is not the same as connecting to others and feeling that sense of fulfillment that friends and loved ones can bring.
When someone is too involved in an unhealthy obsession over their emotional struggles, they often have no room in their conciousness within which to let others in.
Overwhelmment by feelings of loneliness has caused many to commit suicide. It can be such a painful experience that seems to nag and nag and the sufferer wishes above all else in their life that that pain no longer exist.
Often times people may believe that they are lonely, when in fact, something else entirely is bothering them. It may be the lack of an associate to share with and dialogue with to determine what the real problem at the moment is, that causes this extreme feeling of loneliness.
Those who suffer from feeling lonely often feel fine one moment and horribly lonely the next.
Passionate lovers who feel as though they have devoted their souls to one another often feel intense loneliness when their mate is not around.
The question is how to handle this loneliness.
If in the case of the passionate lover whose mate is still devoted to them, the sufferer of loneliness must attempt to continually readjust their focus so that they realize that they will be with their loved one again soon and that in the meantime, the healthiest thing that they could do for both of them is to remain productively active. Sometimes rest is simply needed.
Loneliness can sometimes make it difficult to sleep by creating insomnia. Usually though, this is more than loneliness and the actual problem has not yet been touched upon.
There is hope out there for the lonely one. It is a personal struggle that must be fought. But it is a struggle that can be won.
Working to be productive, mixed with resting and enjoying some form of activity that is beneficial and considered to be fun by the lonely person is important. When in the wretched state of loneliness, the motivation to do these things will be lacking.
This is why a person suffering from this must act their way into right thinking, rather than think their way into right acting. This is the only way to conquer the beast of loneliness.
Patience is required no matter what the experience is. Patience is a bloodline that the lonely of humanity must drink from if they are to release their demons successfully.
CommentsLoading...
Good article,I agree it is a struggle that can be won. Thanks!!
oh yes.... Ive been there & back and Back again. So I imagine this would be a topic i should "Hub" about myself. I have alot of experience with this one. Good Article.
do you know who's painting is that ? (the one with the naked man)
It was just a public domain pic. Not sure whose painting it was but you may be able to find it online by typing "public domain loneliness images" into a google search engine.
Like this a lot, Thanks for publishing this.
Hoping for more beautiful hubs
Thanks for such an insightful article. I learnt a lot about the topic.
I am one that can truly relate. I have be suffering with loneliness for over 30 years now with no relief. For over 30 years now the thought of suicide has came on a nightly basis. I have yet to summit to the thought although I have considered it. I have plenty of family & friends in my life the the void that needs filled is the true love of a mate. I am retired now and I have come to the conclusion that I will be dying alone and that really hurts to face that truth.
you know, when times get bad, and you shun everyone...
there is no respite from the feelings now. i have no family or friends, am regstered homeless...all there is is my 2 kids and a cat, and f##k all else.
swallowd the olive branch, made peace with my fathr, oh how wrong that was....i still dont speak to my mum. i am 37 and she still ignores me and her grandchildren.
i have no partner, no family, no friends [at least close] to confide in, no one to HEAR me, and listen.
i often think of ending it all, but my kids need me.
Al, I understand how it feels, but at least you got friends and family....I got nothing except growing kids waiting to leave the nest.
Thank you for writing this. Loneliness accompanied by depression is debilitating. At age 57 I have just found a nice church (searched for years). The hard part is getting motivated enough to get dressed. Anti-depressants have not helped much. I too afraid to even contemplate the thought of suicide. I keep telling myself "it won't continue........fight fight fight", and that is what I am trying very hard to do. Yes, I desire a christian mate, but I am wise enough to know that "he" will not be the answer to my loneliness. I need to find within myself some type of even ground. It is normal to feel some loneliness at times, but when it becomes constant it's time to take out the big guns and fight. My doctor has prescribed another anti-depressant to partner with the one I already take. I pray it will boost my serotonin levels to the point where I am able to function "normally". I miss my children, family and friends who have all gone off by the wayside. I have friends, but they are scattered all over the U.S. and Canada. Today, I am going to fight. Tomorrow? Well, I never look that far because it is not promised to any of us. One second at a time, but today I still have a little hope, and a little hope is better than none.
thank you
i kind of like it because it touches my mind and heart
I just wanted to say that I have been really touched by some of the comments that have been posted to this hub. I appreciate everyone's time in reading this and in taking the time to respond as well. I write so much I never know what people will and won't relate to and the opportunity to read notes from people who were moved to comment in some fashion is something I feel very grateful for. There are so many ways in life that we can connect with one another as brothers and sisters in humanity and as I just now caught up on reading the various comments on my posts, I had to stop and mention how stirred I was by these notes. Thank you all and I hope each one of you realizes that you are never completely alone...
I really am lost and so lonely you would never believe. I gave up everything I had for my soul mate but a heated argument resulted in poisonous tounges and words I wish I had never spoken. I drove my man away by trying to keep him. Desperation in a crisis made too much said that I don't think can be forgiven. Now I'm left alone with nothing but the flat we got together that is full of our things. I hate my life right now, I barely eat or sleep and spend most evenings driving round till the early hours or parking up and sleeping in the car. Everything I do seems pointless. We are trying to work it out but the time on my own is unbearable. I wish I could turn back time and undo all the hurt I have caused cos I truly did not mean it. I wish I could cope with the depression and loneliness this has left me with. I wish I had help. Somebody please help......
Message to Crystal....
So sorry to hear of your pain. The feeling of anguish that can take us over when losing a loved one and feeling alone can be very difficult to see past.
Sometimes forcing yourself to focus on methods for relaxation can make a few moments of difference and sometimes long-term difference.
Spending time making yourself light candles, try to think of music you like that you don't connect to him and that doesn't increase agitation and put some relaxing music on and if you have a tub, spend time relaxing in a hot bath. Even go out and buy yourself some bubble bath if you can for the pure act of doing it and the silliness of it while you soak.
Try to think of books you enjoy reading or any book you may have seen that you wanted to read, but haven't yet and see if you can force yourself to sit still and read it, re-directing your mind back to the book each time it slips into feelings of sadness over what has recently occurred.
Physical activity sometimes helps tremendously to help us burst through our walls when we can't see light. Getting down on your hands and knees and scrubbing the floor clean if you have any tile, etc. that sort of floor in your home and in the end, you will have created a bit of a different type of adrenaline burst for yourself and have a cleaner home. Go out and jog if that helps or do push-ups in the home. Go for walks and get outside and try to look at the trees or plants or whatever nature may be around you to connect you to a time when you may not even have known your man and had enjoyed a moment of just appreciating a breeze or a spot of grass.
Buy yourself flowers if you can. If you have any pets, try to focus on what you can do to take best care of them, to take your mind off of the loss and stress and put it on a living creature who needs you.
If you can, perhaps try drawing or painting to express some of the angst. Write, write and write more until you fall asleep, getting the negative energy out.
If you play any musical instruments, allow yourself to escape into this for a bit.
Think about what your favorite meal is for you, not for him or anyone else, but for you and that you find to be especially tasty and if it is complicated to cook or bake, all the better, so you can expend some of the energy that would be on the stress into a productive task.
If you play any sports, now might be a good time to go hit a tennis ball or racquetball around or go shoot some hoops at a basketball court.
Do jumping jacks if you can.
Whatever it takes to focus on forcing yourself to take a positive action that will take some energy from you and allow you a bit of relief from the intensity of the emotional pain, thereby opening the way for potentially healing a bit in the future.
When we are so wrapped up in a relationship, it seems that it is our whole life and our whole world and we so forget how much else exists outside of it. The only way to move forward is to force ourselves to remember that there is more and then to be patient with ourselves and diligent in this effort because an internal piece of you will be fighting against this effort and wanting you to remain in pain because your emotional upset will be telling you that you should be in pain, but you have to take right actions that are positive and only about you, not about getting him back, before you can be emotionally ready to deal with the situation whether alone or with him in the future.
As with all things, this too shall pass, but it's important to do more than just waiting for it to pass. Realize that what he feels and thinks is outside of your control and what you can control is making yourself do little positive things that exert bits of energy and you can control continuing the effort to re-direct your thinking.
Suffering won't make the situation any better or validate any part of it. It won't fix the problem. Remind yourself of this and don't let the side of yourself that may believe you should suffer at this moment win.
The benefits may not be immediate, but stick with any efforts you can think of that are appropriate to your situation that are purely positive and nothing else.
Thank you for your message Alicia, I have tried every single thing in your list but to no avail. I feel like this sadness is eating me up and everything I do is making me worse. I have since got back with my boyfriend but he won't move back in. He comes round to make me breakfast everyday and gives me up to an hour of his time in the evenings. The situation I'm in now feels worse than before, I have him but I don't. He even parks his van round the corner when he comes now so his daughters won't find out. I feel so torn. My choices are to call it off and face life on my own that I really don't want to do or keep things as they are and feel all this pain and loneliness but know that he loves me. If I stay like this I have to follow his rules as if we lived together - not going out, not seeing any males as friends, be in the flat before 12 every night, work my part time cleaning job as well as my cleaning jobs bit not work evenings or weekends and learn to deal with my own company. In return I get half the bills and rent paid so I can afford to keep the flat, text messages in the day and before he goes to bed, breakfast every week day morning and and hour between 5-8 on an evening, occasional stay for tea. I feel like what he is asking is so unreasonable but I love him so much what else can I do. Somebody tell me what they think, I feel like I'm going half crazy. Crystal
I'm really sorry....I only saw your message tonight Crystal...
I'm going to reply when I have a bit more time to focus, but just want you to know that you are on someone's mind who cares...
hey,could you tell me please who's painting is that ? thanks.
Am alone after a failed marriage............ the youngest has just gone to uni in the uk and i am in Spain. I work full time but find myself lonely and very isolated. I count the days till she comes home...i count the days we have left before she returns back to uni. I pray many nights that i wont wake up. I have friends but i always feel the odd one because most are couples. I am active, depressive to be with, cus a close down in company. I dont know why. Please help me before i end this lonely misery. I am a drain on my 3 beautiful girls. They dont deserve this disaster of a mother. They are all in the uk and i am here in spain. I cant inflict my pain on them. We are all very close........but they know little about my true feelings. If i express a little they toss it away. Im desperate please help
It's been so long ago since I got the painting from the public domain images database that I really don't know whose it is. It's really beautiful though.
Hi Sidney,
I hope you have taken the risk and shared some of your true feelings with some of your friends as knowing you personally, they have a better opportunity to be of assistance during your struggles.
Sometimes though, seeking an outsider's assistance who has a more objective perspective can be very beneficial. There are many professionals and people out there who can help you to get in touch with your inner source of strength to combat these difficult emotions which are draining you of your sense of peace.
We can all be particularly hard on ourselves sometimes for the emotions that we have and the challenges we face, but realizing that it is natural to feel emotional pain and that it is our job to learn how to step back and confront these feelings, reminding ourselves of the temporary nature of each negative emotion we have and finding what positive actions we can throw ourselves into in order to perhaps be of assistance to others in order to allow our own pain to heal.
Remember that as long as you are doing some good for someone else, your life is not in vain and even if you are not doing that perfectly, it only means that you are human and like us all, have room for improvement. Focusing on the areas where you can improve without focusing on the remorse for where you perceive your failings to be is very important.
There must be many ways that you have made a positive difference in the lives of your 3 girls. Trying to think of that aspect of things and how you can expound upon that and work toward helping them to achieve happiness can be a very good way to deal with your own pain at times.
Sometimes just trying to think of things that you personally enjoy and whether there is the opportunity to do even just one positive thing that you enjoy to relax can also be very good.
Your emotions and feelings are your personal property and no one else's perspective of those invalidates what you feel or know.
Keep moving forward Sidney and take everything one moment at a time as best you can...you'll get over the hump eventually. It's not always easy to keep that faith, so just don't question it, rather just keep on bit by bit and good ideas for how to cope and move forward will come to you.
Sometimes we are so hard on ourselves that we don't want to allow ourselves to feel better, but own your emotions and your opportunity to slowly work toward the other side of this struggle please.
Also... I thought it was interesting.. I watched a documentary about prison isolation and one of the experts commented that the feeling of loneliness stems from the same place in the brain where actual physical pain originates from.
This seems very logical in a # of ways when considering the levels of tolerance people have for different experiences and how extraordinarily difficult it is for many people when they experience loneliness.
"...act their way into right thinking, rather than think their way into right acting."
What does this mean?
I still don't get what to do.
Aleisha 2 years ago
My Name is Aleisha Crowder